Marvelous Leap, or Leaving a 20 Year Partner and Stable Job With Benefits for No Job, No Benefits, No Partner

And I said, “Oh, I know! My work is one of joy, kindness, something to live up to.” I said I also cradle a song in my heart. In time it is morning and I look out my window. I prepare for a marvelous leap. (jaqui eicher, 2014)

Most of the time, I don’t think of this “leap” as marvelous, unless it’s used as an adverb and followed by the word ‘frightening’ or ‘awful’. Most days, I wonder what I have done with my “one wild and precious life” as Mary Oliver says. But on the days that count, I know that something in me awakened and has driven me toward this move. I have become mindful of my hours and days; how I spend my time matters much more to me than it ever did before. In this way, I have taken a marvelous leap toward mindfulness.

So far the journey has been painful and filled with such a powerful lack of confidence that each step further, each day, leaves me with nearly as many questions as answers. Only the more confident voices of my friends and neighbors have grounded me with good reflections and reminders of my better qualities. I’ve covered new territory (that which I didn’t know existed); wild and dangerous terrain. But I’m still alive! And still there exists in me the will to wake each day and take the next step.

Lately I have wondered when this “marvelous leap” will end. I’ve got to land sometime, right? I’ve considered turning back on the worst days, but instead I take the next step forward, toward the distant unknown. William Stafford wrote: “it is legitimate to crawl after the wings are broken.”  So some days I crawl toward the unknown.

Soon I will need some greater force to pull me because I will be spent and have no energy left with which to move–either forward or back.

My path seems to be leading me toward teaching English overseas and I am happy to finally see something on the horizon besides a bank of fog. Recently I heard Sinead O’Connor’s song, “I Am Enough For Myself” and though I’ve never before  believed this, I’m learning that it might be true and I may have to sit with this for a time.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Marvelous Leap, or Leaving a 20 Year Partner and Stable Job With Benefits for No Job, No Benefits, No Partner

  1. As I am reading this post, I’m simmering a salmon stock from the heads and bones of fish I have caught. I have added the water, onion, bay leaf, carrots, celery, pepper, white wine, garlic and fresh thyme sprigs picked fresh from the garden (just the thyme; none of the other stuff).

    I am reminded of the fact that these salmon were themselves on their journey back to their birthplace when I caught them. I do thank them for letting me catch them. I wonder if perhaps we too are on a journey back to our own birthplace of sorts as we travel through our life. I wonder how we become caught along our own journey home. I have no answers, but your post did engender these ponderings.

    As far as the entire blog goes, I’m hooked. So, thanks for catching me in that respect.

    Salatiga will be easier to remember now that I have made it a combination of Salad and Antigua (the British pronunciation lets it be what I need it to be). 🙂

    Like

  2. Ah, you said it well…the mindfulness journey (which will usually leave me wondering, and occasionally asking/wishing for answers!) combined with a sense of a long and marvelous leap (that feels bottomless much of the time). Leaving me with a bottom line of leaving behind a world of known black-and-whites for a world of incredible color (most of the time) or gloomy gray (occasionally).

    The choice it seems to me is always whether or not i’ll jump this time, this moment…knowing that “what i know” is constantly shifting and rearranging my life. Here’s to all the “Blue Pearls” that beckon us forward!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s