Today I am thinking about this time in my life, right now. I am currently experiencing tremendous personal growth and it’s taking a lot of work. It’s exhausting in fact. It would be so much easier to just stay by myself and not struggle with learning about others’ needs and habits. Last night a friend used the word ‘fragile’ to describe me again. My immediate reaction was anger and frustration because this word goes against everything I’ve been striving against for the past few years. As a matter of fact, I know myself to be the opposite of fragile and here is one who has known me for a short time recognizing something in me that I don’t want to recognize.
It’s true, I am sensitive. I am a ‘feeling’ on the Myers-Briggs scale and this has always meant that I have to catch myself as I begin to analyze what others might be thinking or feeling, since I can’t really know that for sure. And I am vulnerable. Becoming more vulnerable over the past few years has improved my life because I know myself to be more authentic as a human being and I like myself this way. I don’t have to cover my tracks or pretend to be anything other than what I am. This has helped me remove obstacles from my path that, in the past, built up walls between myself and others. Little things began turning into big things since I tried to hide the fact that they bothered me even a little bit.
Now I am trying to live in such a way that I address those things as they come up and let my feelings be known in a more gentle but direct way. I am trying to let the river of kindness between myself and others to flow freely instead of being stopped or dammed by the small stones that collectively prevent that river from flowing.